‘Prometheus’: 7 valuable life lessons — and a cure for my PTSD

A little-known fact about cancer survivors is that many of us end up with mild to serious forms of post-traumatic stress disorder while battling the disease. Fear, sadness and other f*cked up feelings take over our minds like house squatters, and when they finally leave, all we’re left with is an emotional numbness that’s even more stubborn than the other PTSD symptoms.

I’ve basically been emotionally numb for three-plus years. During that time, only two things have consistently given me short respites from my Vulcan existence: Rough sex … and high-quality horror films.

Both of those things tap into the terror and pain I experienced at the height of my PTSD/cancer battle, so apparently dark emotions are now the only things capable of making me feel alive.

Alas, I haven’t had rough sex since February, and thanks to my annoying “I’m gonna stop letting a married man treat me like sh*t” mantra, I probably won’t be having that experience again anytime soon.

But much to my relief, I had the chance to try Plan B yesterday when I finally saw “Prometheus.” While watching it, I realized that a lot of life lessons could be gleaned from this sci-fi thriller. On top of obvious things like, “If something looks scary, stay the hell away from it” and “Hanging out with curious white people will get you killed,” here’s what else this movie teaches us all:

(SPOILER ALERT: If you haven’t seen the movie, and still want to see the movie, you probably should wait until after you see it to read this blog post. Lots of spoilers below!)

1. God is like Ridley Scott (fingers crossed)

When I found out I had cancer, I believed it was God’s way of trying to rid the universe of Ms. Tress — like our alien predecessors in “Prometheus” tried to use murderous aliens to kill the human race. (Probably because they were disgusted with Hollywood’s portrayal of aliens.)

But now that I’m in Year 3 of remission, I’ve started to think that maybe God is like Ridley Scott. Maybe He just wanted to give me a near-death experience to turn me into one hell of a female protagonist, a la Sigourney Weaver’s “Ripley” and Noomi Rapace’s “Dr. Shaw.” Although if God is like Ridley Scott, He’d probably prefer for me to have a shorter hairdo. (I’ll think about cutting it in a few years, God.)

 2. If you have unprotected sex, you never know what you’ll get 

In 2094, perhaps AIDS, genital herpes and other STIs are a thing of the past. But Dr. Shaw ended up with something much worse when she let her man’s toxic sperm roam freely inside her. I would let Logan Marshall-Green hit it raw, too, though. And as a result, she had to perform a Caesarian section on herself to rid her body of a grotesque, homicidal alien baby.

So moral of the story: Unless you want to give birth to an alien baby, choose the safe-sex option.

 3. ‘One drop’ is all it takes

OK so you know all the people who say that someone mixed with minority blood is “biracial” or “multi-racial” or Cablanasian or IJustDontWantToAdmitImBlack? Well, when Dr. Shaw’s boyfriend drank some liquid that literally had just ONE DROP of alien gook, guess what happened? Dude began to transform into an alien. He wasn’t bi-species or Humalien … no, he was becoming a full-fledged, scary a$$ alien.

So in light of this “one drop incident,” I think it’s safe to say that if one of your parents is a minority and your other parent is white, then guess what that makes you? Yup … a full-fledged, scary a$$ alien — wait, where was I going with this?

 4. Don’t get attached to good-looking dudes

I didn’t realize Logan Marshall-Green’s gorgeous a$$ was in “Prometheus” until like five minutes into the movie. After my initial horniness glee wore off, I suddenly became less horny sad.

Why? Because I knew his character was a dead man. Fine men — especially ones with the bravado of Holloway, a.k.a. Dr. Shaw’s boyfriend  — don’t last long in scary movies. Plus, there’s always a reason to worry when Idris Elba hides his British accent. (Although he didn’t hide it in Takers and that movie didn’t end so happily, either.)

 5. If you’ve gotta sleep 2 years to get to some place, make sure the trip won’t kill you

Sometimes when I let myself sleep for like 12 hours, I wake up feeling hung over. So I can only imagine how badly I’d feel if I slept for two years, like that “Prometheus” expedition crew did. Call me lame, but I’m not going to subject myself to a 2-year slumber for a trip that could cause my death…unless an awesome roller coaster or getting high with Mickey Mouse is involved.

 6. Don’t work for your father if he wants to live longer than you

I didn’t realize until I went to Rottentomatoes.com a few minutes ago that Guy Pearce played the old dude in “Prometheus,” i.e. Mr. Weyland, who bankrolled the whole trip to Planet Doom. (Holy crap, what a great makeup job!)

Well toward the end of the movie, we find out that Mr. Weyland is the father of Charlize Theron’s character, Captain Vickers. And Mr. Weyland was on the ship because he wanted to find some way to achieve immortality. But his foolish search ended very, very badly for him because, surprisingly enough, seeking advice from an alien species that wants you dead is NOT a good idea.

 7. Be nice to androids, mutants, sex addicts or any other creature Michael Fassbender portrays

Seriously, I pray I don’t live long enough to meet an android. But if I do, and it offers me a drink, I will smile … and then take off running in the opposite direction. But if some dude named Magneto asks me to join his team, I will do so with no hesitation. Or if some dude like that “Shame” guy wants to have sex with me, I will let him. Because it will be rough. And scary. So everybody wins.

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